Science Awards Night Fails To Meet Clapping Quota

This failure comes after last year’s record output for both self-congratulations, clapping per capita, and overall clapping output. Last year the science department’s performance had far exceeded the output of other departments and the expectations of the Paly administration, with quality performance from the Science Olympiad team as well as world shattering findings from the…

“The Gunnion” Caught in Blatant Fraud

Recently The Gunnion released a headline implying that rat poison is the new diet pill that all the cool kids are taking. It was said to have miraculous results in the comment section of their Facebook post. Here at The Daily Pillage, we’d never encourage students to take pills that aren’t tested thoroughly by the…

Redesigned SAT Based on 2048

Last Friday, the College Board released a prototype of its redesigned 2016 SAT test, which seems to be modeled off of the popular web game, 2048. “We decided to cut all the extraneous parts of the SAT,” a College Board employee told the press. “So rather than trying to remove certain sections from the current…

PALY AP Scores Invalidated Due to Suspicious Hand Movements

LIBRARY – In an unfortunate development, revelations of an almost all-encompassing cheating ring have emerged today from a College Board-sponsored investigation, calling into question the fidelity of nearly all AP tests conducted on the PALY campus. Students were found to have been gesturing intensely during the test with their pens and pencils, making contact noises…

Average Productivity Decreases Due to Lack of Ambient Noise on Campus

THE TOWER BUILDING- The Administration Department of Student Studies have recently released a study showing the decrease of student productivity in the recent month. Analysts have reported the decrease in productivity to be directly correlated to the absence of ambient noise around the campus. According to Department analyst Dave Miller, the solution to this auditory…