FOLLOWING reports of higher levels of employment and a steady increase in consumer spending, Twitter has finally announced its plans to reduce the character limit on so-called “tweets” by 13% over the next six months. “After the Great 2006 Social Media Crash, a lot of useless comments and mindless ramblings found themselves unemployed.” Twitter founder Evan…
Tuesday afternoon, Palo Alto High School officially released an announcement stating that the annual tradition of a “Back to School” dance is not to be continued this year. We spoke to the Dance Coordinator, Mary Phillips, for the story. “We were concerned that the turn-out to the dance would be lacking,” Phillips told the…
800 BUILDING- The first week of school has been full of surprises— there have been camel invasions, an absence of streakers, and even a fire alarm. Unfortunately, not all surprises have been pleasant. The staff at the Tower Building’s Health division have observed an unprecedented influx of health cases. “Usually in the first week of school,…
Last weekend, groups of graduating friends gathered to observe a high school ritual known as Cap Decorating, where participants gather to decorate ceremonial garb with various insignia. Although this ritual’s origins are unknown, historians suggest that it has roots in a variation of an ancient Illuminati human sacrifice ceremony. This ritual consists almost exclusively of…
In the wee hours of first period on Thursday morning, students on the Quad observed an unprecedented event: a teacher streaking across campus. According to police investigations the teacher entered campus through the northwest side of campus, sprinted through the Quad, and exited from the west side. He was stopped by Administrators before getting into…
PALO ALTO HIGH SCHOOL- The campus was buzzing with anticipation as people filled into the folding chair seats neatly spread all across the Quad. Parents, senior citizens, infants, parents acting like infants, and students of all shapes and sizes gathered to experience the annual end-of-the-year Band Concert and Pomp and Circumstance Marathon, colloquially known as…
A 5’6” freshman of about 90 pounds stands outside the Library repeatedly pulling the handle and banging on the door. “Why won’t it open? I think its broken!” He screams. He does not know why the library has closed to the masses, for this time only comes once a year – AP testing. Yes, it…
This failure comes after last year’s record output for both self-congratulations, clapping per capita, and overall clapping output. Last year the science department’s performance had far exceeded the output of other departments and the expectations of the Paly administration, with quality performance from the Science Olympiad team as well as world shattering findings from the…
Recently The Gunnion released a headline implying that rat poison is the new diet pill that all the cool kids are taking. It was said to have miraculous results in the comment section of their Facebook post. Here at The Daily Pillage, we’d never encourage students to take pills that aren’t tested thoroughly by the…
Last Friday, the College Board released a prototype of its redesigned 2016 SAT test, which seems to be modeled off of the popular web game, 2048. “We decided to cut all the extraneous parts of the SAT,” a College Board employee told the press. “So rather than trying to remove certain sections from the current…
LIBRARY – In an unfortunate development, revelations of an almost all-encompassing cheating ring have emerged today from a College Board-sponsored investigation, calling into question the fidelity of nearly all AP tests conducted on the PALY campus. Students were found to have been gesturing intensely during the test with their pens and pencils, making contact noises…
THE TOWER BUILDING- The Administration Department of Student Studies have recently released a study showing the decrease of student productivity in the recent month. Analysts have reported the decrease in productivity to be directly correlated to the absence of ambient noise around the campus. According to Department analyst Dave Miller, the solution to this auditory…
PALY- This Wednesday morning on the Quad, The Pillage Staff searched for a staff member at Palo Alto High School to find out how Paly is helping to fight the recent drought in California. We sought out one of our four vice principals, Mr. Battenman: Pillage Staff: So, Mr. Battenman, have you heard about the…
After years of seemingly stunted growth, Palo Alto High School’s bell system has finally entered puberty. Many PALY students previously believed that the bell system would never grow up. One student commented, “I don’t think the bells have changed for over 5 years, why would it start growing now? Thats just ridiculous, I think the…
Unverified internet sources have for years provided proof that the Illuminati Order secretly controls the world. However, the realization that the Illuminati’s sphere of influence extends even over Paly is both shocking and very frightening. Don’t believe us? Examine the evidence yourself. Note: These images are 100% real and have not been manipulated digitally. DISCLAIMER: The content…
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